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Dear Prince Victor and workers of Intech,     We have a dominant albino gene that we are prepared to introduce into the New York City rat population so they'll all be cute and cuddly. All we need are the funds.

              Vicki Hicks n Friends            Genetics Club


Dear Sirs,

Not only am I Pope, but I could pound the shit out of any one of you and beat every single one of your followers at arm wrestling. Also I can chug a can of Pabst in three seconds flat and throw a spiral that'll knock you on your ass.


John Paul II

Pope of the Regular Guy

Vatican Rome


Dear Prince Victor,

There is one commandment I forgot to add into the Bible. Never read the Bible sitting on the toilet. I know you are the correct one to rectify this error. Spread the word.




Dear Prince Victor,

I am in serious need of help! I know that you were the successful CEO of your own company for some years so I would like it if you could take a look at my organization and tell me what it is that I am doing wrong. What follows is a recent memo I sent out to our employees.

Thank you for your consideration.

Cyrus Daft

North American Auto Airfreshener Corp.

Memo to All:

Recently it was necessary to establish a separate complaints department within our company. Employees should be encouraged to see this as an inevitable result of growth, not as a defensive reaction to increasing numbers of dissatisfied customers.

The recent all-time low of the corporations stock on Wall Street is reflective of a number of factors, not the least of which is employee morale. Although as a corporation we manufacture auto air fresheners, we are more significantly a "people" company.

The over-inflated state of the world economy means that many people sell or throw away their cars as soon as the "new car" smell wears off resultant in lower sales of auto air fresheners.

Rather than invest the corporation's scant resources in an attempt to upgrade the product, it has been decided to establish a complaints division. It will be a large division, the largest in the company. If it does its job properly, the company will continue to prosper. If it fails, no doubt it will point out a fatal flaw in our free enterprise system. We still believe a bad product well apologized for is better than a good product sold as a distance. We are a "people" company and lets prove that people make the difference....


Dear KoY and Prince Victor,

I see from reading your website that over 200 of your members are beautiful women and that leads me to ask for your help. How did you attract so many women? I'm a tall, handsome, muscular, athletic college student here at Boise State Tech but the chicks just don't dig me. What am I doing wrong?

Everyone knows, admires and fears me. When I walk in to a bar, heads turn and knees shake. If I don't like the music, I tell the band or the DJ that if they don't change it that their ass is grass and I am the lawnmower. No one would dare beat me at pool, because they know I'll beat the crap out of them, even if they could beat me, which they can't, because I am TOO good.

But I can't get the girls to go home with me, even thought I tell em I don't mind when their hair is too short, or they need to lose weight or their boobies are too small for me. I mean, it's a one night stand, not a life-time commitment! There's this one bartender I would love to "butter her muffins" because when I call her a "B****" and a "W****", she calls me a "Obnoxious Ding-Dong" back. I LOVE a woman with fiestyness besides she's got big hooters. But even she's nervious about going out with me. Can you guys give me some hints on how to make the ladies feel less insecure about being too inferior to go to bed with me?

Chuckie Rudeheimer

Boise State Tech


Dear Prince Victor Diamond,

Ever since that "Who Wants to Marry a Milllionaire" fiasco, I am having trouble getting dates. Can you help me?

RIck Rockwell

Desperation, USA


Dear Victor,

Call me crazy, but I', really starting to miss Kathie Lee! The strain of asking,,,,"Is that your final answer" is starting to get to me.

Regis Philbin

Dear Prince Victor Diamond,

I am upset that Christina Aguilera won the Grammy for Best New Artist instead of me. I think that I have much bigger things ahead of me than she does.

Britney Spears