Here are a few high-lights from one of our favorite magazines, Spirituality Monthly. They named our group The #1 Fringe Sect of the Year this year. Of course having a leader such as Prince Victor Diamond that embodies the sum of all virtues and has been named one of the 50 Most Beautiful People by People Magazine doesn't hurt either! Now our favorite selections for your enjoyment.......
Christian Coalition Holds Million Man Potluck Dinner
WASHINGTON, D.C. Carrying noodle casseroles, potato salad and honey-glazed hams, Christian Coalition members from across the U.S. gathered on the National Mall Saturday for a historic Million-Man Potluck Dinner.
"We've come here to show the world our Christian unity and strength" said David Bannister, 34, of San Jose, CA. "We also want to show the world what wonderful cooks our wives are. My Laurie made her famous chicken pot pie for the event. Try it-its out of this world."
All day, speakers addressed the crowd, stressing the importance of preserving "our treasured role in America as first-class, white, male citizens."
They also offered recipes for homemade desserts and helpful hints on how to keep vegetables fresher longer.
"We must stay together as a people, bound by the principles of Christian charity and God's eternal love," said Christian Coalition member Ronald Hulett, standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial as he addressed a crowd of 850,000 "We must remember that coleslaw spoils easily, so it's important to make sure the container is sealed nice and tight.":
God Kills Oral Roberts For Fundraising Shortfall
TULSA, OK. Angered by what He calls His disciples "shameful failure to raise sufficient funds for My goodly earthly works", God struck down prominent televangelist Oral Roberts Monday.
Roberts, who had received numerous warnings from God that he would be "called home" if his fundraising goal was not met, was killed when a large thunderbolt from the heavens struck him during a taping of his weekly television show.
The 67 year old Roberts died instantly from the heavenly bolt. He was $211,000 short of God's 3 million fundraising goal at the time of his death. "I said I would smite Oral and smite him I did!" God told reporters. "While $2,789.000 is an impressive sum of money for one man to raise in the name of the Lord, I made it very clear that I would accept no less then $3 million."
Roberts had been aware for several months that his life was in danger, repeatedly warning his followers that he would be killed by God if donations did not reach the target amount.
"Please, please give all that you can afford to give, whether it be $1,000 or just $900," Roberts, tears streaming down his face told viewers during a recent broadcast. "For if you do not give, my friends, the Lord God in Heaven shall call me home. Unless I see some big numbers go up on the board in the next hour, God is going to come calling for me. Praise Jesus!"
Added Roberts: "Please make checks payable to Oral Roberts Ministries, Tulsa, OK 74171 Visa, Mastercard and American Express accepted. Call us toll-free, operators are standing by.
Roberts followers were deeply distraught by the news of his death. Many blamed themselves for not giving enough.
FROG WITH HUMAN HEAD WARNS AGAINST DANGERS OF GENETIC ENGINEERING
SAN FRANSICO- A six legged frog with a human head held a swamp-side news conference Friday to warn of the moral implications and the hidden dangers of tampering with the basic building blocks of human and animal life.
Addressing top executives from the nation's leading genetic-engineering firms, the mutant six-legged amphibi-human hybrid called for an immediate moratorium on inter-species DNA experimentation.
According to the grotesque parody of nature, current standards of regulation within the $42 billion genetics industry are woefully inadequate and in need of immediate reform.
"Please,,,I beg of you, my human half-brothers... do not create...others like me..." said the hideous abomination. Moments later, the frog was brained with a shovel by a frightened scientist as hundreds of horrified onlookers cried out for someone to "kill it, for Gods sake, kill it."
TIPS ON HAVING A KEEN WING-DING
By Senator Horsefeathers of MississippiIn these oft-confusing modern times of vice and subversion knowing the dos and don'ts of throwing a successful wing-ding isn't just good sense-it is a matter of life and death. Teens in the know agree that juvenile delinquency is the single greatest moral crisis in America today. As a duly elected official, I urge all teens to help curb the decay by clipping and saving these handy, helpful hooper-doo hints.
1.) KEEP FINGERNAILS CLEAN AND WELL GROOMED AT ALL TIMES. Nobody likes a Mister Grubby Thumbs when it comes to personal hygiene matters on the Big Night. Dirty or untrimmed fingernails send the message, "I'm a magnet for below-the-waist rashes and incurable social disease." Sudden, mandatory delousings from the Department of Health agents not only spoil your fun-time, but ruin everyone else's evening as well.
2.) KEEP ANUS TIGHTLY CLENCHED A tightly clenched anus is a well-maintained anus. Constant, deliberate bullock clenching is your body's best way of protecting itself against foreign germs, and is a natural part of The Puberty Years. And the strenuous effort to keep your anal column safely sealed is nothing to be embarrassed about.
3.) REMAIN FOUR FEET APART AT ALL TIMES. Pregnancy, brain damage and severe, burning discharges are only three of the disasters that could result if this rule is not respected - and strictly enforced by an adult with an electric cattle-prod - without exception Remember, mixed dancing is for voting adults over the age of 21 only. Instead, hold a panel discussion on "going steady" and why it's wrong. Ask your pastor to attend!
4.) DO NOT TELL GHOST STORIES Campfires are great for "s'mores" and sing-alongs but creep tales of terror and suspense, complete with lurid depictions of gore and death, are neither entertaining nor comical. They are repulsive filth circulated in dimestore cartoon booklets for the explicit purpose of seducing innocents. Why not organize a Luther League hayride instead.
5.) FERRET OUT THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT IN YOUR MIDST. Every day, gangsters, mobsters and common thugs secretly move among us, plotting nefarious acts. Posing as decent, respectable folks, these evildoers, and the Fifth Columnists who aid and abet them, could be anyone - even your best girl! Always use your thinking cap when it comes to tracking down, exposing and punishing Public Enemy Number One.
6.) ENJOY A DELICIOUS " HOT-DOG" WEENIE ROAST. Hosts, hostesses and chaperones: Write for the free brochure of recipes, decorating ideas and other super-duper ways to make your supervised weenie-roast event a regular hum-dinger. Perfect at the ballpark, the fair, anywhere that people gather to enjoy this flavorful sausage.
7.)BURN VAST QUANTITIES OF GIRLIE BOOKS. For sheer thrills, there's nothing I love more than putting the torch to stag comics, French photo books, Tijuana Bibles, bondage art and cheesecake photo libraries. Go through Pop's sock drawer to find them. (Rest assured if you do find anything, your father will be punished to the full extent of the law.) My office will gladly forward information on how you can get a Junior Incinerator Squad started right in your own hometown.
AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT THE WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH
Via the Trans-Atlantic Cable - British Missionaries are reported to be spreading Christian wisdom to the far reaches of most savage Africa. Ships carrying missionaires are arriving daily, bringing needed shipments of Bibles, religious teachers and priests to the spirit-starved jungle-dwellers. The blessing of laboring in British mines is also being conferred on the savages.
SPIRITUAL RULER OF IRAN REVEALED TO BE A FRAUD!
Iranian and French police officials have revealed that the man representing himself as Ayatollah Khomeini, supreme ruler of Iran, is in fact an imposter.
The real Ayatollah Khomeini remains in retreat in a monastery in a remote region of France. The man who has brought Iran to the brink of civil war, and incurred the disapproval of the entire world community, is in actuallity an escaped "maniac" from a French mental asylum. "A classic story" sighed French detective Jean-Paul Ribot. "A madman escapes from confinement, learns to speak fluent Farsi, dons a false beard and a stern expression and rallies thousands of pious followers in a fundamentalist revival. Indeed, the story is so common, on might laugh at it aloud."
The actual Ayatollah Komeini, when informed of the furor being caused in his name by the lunatic, expressed "great dismay" and called for "all of Islam" to demand of its religious leaders "a passport, drivers license, or major credit card" as a means of proving their identity.
ATHIEST'S SON FINDS CHRIST\
William J Murray III, son of prominent atheist leader Madalyn O'Hair, has told reporters that he has "found Christ". When contacted for comment, a spokesman for the National Council of Churches stated that he had not known that the Holy Savior was missing, and he asked William to please return Him.
THE DALAI LAMA'S GOLDEN CHILDREN NEED A GOOD SPANKING!
Not since Chuck Daley's world champion Detroit Pistons-featuring such legendary head cases as Dennis Rodman, Bill Lambier and John Salley-has a team of bad boys like this been assembled. But this isn't a basketball team, and Coach Dalai's shaved head doesn't allow for over-sized pompadours.
The Dalai Lama, the spiritual and temporal Buddhist leader, is quite aware of his earthly mortality. That's why part of his job description decrees that he select the children who will become the future figures in the Buddhist faith. But as of late, the head Lama has recruited some pretty rowdy reincarnates.
First there was 6 year old Choekyi Nyima. The Big chose Nyima as the reincarnation of Tibet's second most powerful leader. But after his appointment, Nyima's qualifications were questioned by the Chinese government, which claimed that the boy had drowned a dog. He was then put under house-arrest and hasn't been heard of since.
The next name added to the Buddhist roster was that of Tibetan exile Tenzin Dhong. By selecting Dhong's name out of a copper bowl three times, the Dalai Lama identified him as a reincarnation of his own grandfather, a high Tibetian monk. Let's hope he learns to deal with a hostile media: National Public Radio's Scott Simon, annoyed by Tenzin's cocksuredness and his presumed ability to heal people with the touch of his hand, described the future spiritual guru as an arrogant "scamp"
Then Sonam Wangdu Lama joined the club. The devilish little savior is notorious for wearing self-righteous sweatshirts boasting such slogans as "Little Monster" and "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" Wagdu has been known to poke visitors with the antlers of his stuffed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer doll and to yell at reporters who interrupt him while he's reading.
But the most recent of the Dalai Lama's enfant terribles, Osel Torres, might be the most disruptive Lama in waiting to date. Torres, a precocious ten year old Spanish child, is reportedly causing quite a stir around the monastery.
"The monks are spoiling him rotten.", complains his mother, Maria Torres. "He is turning into a little tyrant rather than a little Buddha" According to Dona Torres, her son won't play with the other kids on the playground because in her words, "When you're a tyrant, you don't make friends."
Threatening to bench her son from the Dalai Lama's Little Lama League, Osel's mother insists that her son's tough-guy attitude might go over to Lhasa, but it won't play in Spain. "I don't care how much of a Lama he is," she says, "he still needs his mother."
I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?