We here at the Knights of Yahweh read every single issue of Spirituality Monthly because they take the emergence of new faiths very seriously. Below is a list of new Cults that have sprung up in the last 3 or 4 months that S M has mistakenly taken as the real deal.
So without future ado, to fully enhance your reading experience, our exalted and infallible leader instructs you to do the following: 1) Slip into a comfy black shroud, 2) Throw on a pair of some Nike sneakers, 3)Mix up a fresh batch of Kool-Aid! You are now fully prepared to take a journey to a higher plane as you read on....
Church of Lyin'Tology - L.R. Hubbard, Florida
This church is one of seven different cults jockeying for the exclusive television rights to present the massive conflagration of fire, comet-collision suffering and anguish that will mark the end of the world as a Pay-Per-View event.
New members are required to go door-to-door and perform the "Flaming Bag of Dog Doo on Doorstep, Ring the Doorbell and Run" prank. Not much else is know of this group but they seem to spend endless time watching the Sci-Fi channel on cable.
Cult-Mart - Benton, Arkansas
Billed as "One Stop Super Savings Center Cult" this growing sect is responsible for driving many smaller mom and pop cults out of business. Lord Sam, the cult's founder and a Metabolife Salemans, has gathered so many new members in two months that "Spirituality Monthly" has named Lord Sam, "False Messiah of the Year".
Followers can often be seen manning colorful kiosks at shopping malls, selling copies of Sam's books, "Why the World Will End in 1998", "Why the World Will End in 1999," "Why the Year 2000 is When the World Will Really End" and the ever popular, "The World Will Really Really Really End in 2001 - Really" Members receive messages from God by playing the collected works of William Shatner backwards.
Disciples of Gullibility - Ruiosodoso, New Mexico
This former hippie commune based cult originally started as the communes Tuesday night bowling league team, but things somehow got "weird vibes" along the way. Members of this collective live in mud huts and believe that all modern technology (except for the bowling alley equipment and the "ball-o-shine-o") is the tool of the devil.
The cult's leader, Rev. Ling Yamaha-Honda is best known for presiding over "mass divorces" in which thousands of his followers split up at the same time. The group's core belief is that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy and Po.