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Worship Songs of the KoY

A seventy-five-year old Kenyan, Daniel Mwavuo,was beaten by a mob of fellow villagers after their community suffered extensive crop damage and starvation from an unusually long drought. "This witch doctor is holding up the rain," the attackers shouted, accusing Mwavuo specifically of hiding the seasonal rainfall in his cooking pot. (Saint Louis Globe-Democrat)

Twenty-six year old Ana Lucia da Silva of Itaguai, Brazil mentioned to a neighbor that her husband, Lourival, have been instructed by a medium to sacrifice her to the demon "Exu" "in order to be recompensed with plenty of money to be gained in the lottery." Mrs. de Silva said Lourival had obtained the necessary paraphernalia: a "virgin" dagger, a large ceremonial pot to be filled with blood from the "lambs" heart, and several quarts of Cachaca - potent Brazilian rum, "required in any rites involving the demon Exu" When neighbors expressed concern for Ana Lucia's well-being, the latter told them that a faithful wife cannot disobey her husband, "especially when he is under Exu's orders." Nevertheless, police were notified. They broke into Lourival's home and arrested him as he was about to lower the knife into Ana Lucia's chest. She immediately straightened up the room; put away the dagger, sacrificial urn, and the cachaca bottles; took a bath to remove several dozen magic symbols Lourival had painted all over her body; then cooked a meal and took it to the jail, "in case Lourival might be hungry or dislike the prison diet"   Brazil Herald


Ecstatic Hindus the world over claimed in 1995 that statues of the Hindu God were drinking milk.


The Misdeeds of Ralph Reed - Ralphie invited every single GOP presidential hopeful to the annual Christian Coalition conference except for Senator Arlen Specter, who is jewish. Led the Coalition on a nationwide series of seminars on how to win a seat on a school board. One of the suggestions was to avoid confrontation: "Smile as much as you can." Other tips included using Sunday School classes as a pool of potential campaign contributors and answering accusations of zealotry with a witty quip like, "As far as the teachers' union is concerned, everyone to the right of Karl Marx is radical right" And: "Don't wear your religion on your sleeve. You may be religious-but you must stay focused on school issues. Talk their language-they don't understand yours."


The Mile High Rabbis - Two Hasidic rabbis were charged with sexually abusing a 15-year-old girl on a flight from Australia to L.A. Rabbi Israel Grunwald, head of a New York congregation and his assistant, Rabbi Yehudah Friedlander, who were returning from a conference on morality, were accused of groping the girl under a blanket while the cabin lights were dimmed for a movie during the long overnight flight. The girl claimed Grunwald engaged her in conversation, reached across an empty seat, placed his hand under her shirt and fondled her breast. He then let his horny pal tag in and the two rabbis switched places of Rabbi Friedlander could force his hand under her clothing to repeatedly touch her breasts and parts south. The girl protested vigorously throughout the incident and finally began sobbing and ran for the lavatory. They denied the charges saying, "It is impossible that an Orthodox Hasidic person would even speak to a female, much less touch her."


Word comes out of Southern California today that convicted serial killer Charles Manson has been receiving royalties on the Beach Boys song, "Good Vibrations" for many years. Turns out that Manson helped write the song one night during a wild, dope-laden party at Dennis Wilson's Topanga Canyon home. Sort of puts a whole new spin on the term, "good vibrations"


The Promise Keepers held a large rally in downtown Roanoke, Virginia this weekend and all took a solemn vow on Reverend Jerry Falwell's Bible to not wear skirts, carry purses or wear large purple triangles on their heads.

Foot Cult Crackdown

Twelve leaders of a "foot cult" in Japan have been arrested, including the founder, Hogen Fukunaga. The cult believes that the shape of feet and other foot attributes reveal both personality traits and fortune of the individual, in some manner of physiognomic proclivity. Also fat toes are better than short stunted toes, apparently. Organized foot fetishism alone was not sufficient to bring the boots of Japanese justice down on the cult; the organization had defrauded its 30,000 members of about $750M, though why it took so long to determine this is not clear.

A Ugandan cult, the Movement for the Restoration of Ten Commandments of God, based in Kanunga, burnt 470 of their followers in some kind of doomsday suicide event. This was, of course, after a most impressive slaughter (3 full sized bulls) and feast (70 soda crates, etc. etc.) Estimates actually range between 235 and 470 cult members terminated, dead in a self-started church fire which charred all bodies beyond recognition. The blessed Virgin Mary promised an appearance to them on the 17th, but there are no survivors remaining to tell us if she made a cameo.


Repent Catholic Church

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of the womb, Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Etc.
Yesterday the Pope asked the world to forgive the sins of Catholics, in a papal Day of Pardon. Said the Pope, "Even men of the church, in the name of faith and morals, have sometimes used methods not in keeping with the Gospel". No shit. Some of the sins of the Catholic Church include but are not limited to:
Condemning all Jews to hell in 1205 AD
Granting indulgences to commit sin
Worship and deification of saints
The Crusades
The Inquisition
Extinguishing the Aztec culture
Signing the Lateran Treaty with Benito Mussolini
Collaboration with the Nazi government, and assisting with the escape of former Nazis after WWII
Fostering the rampant spread of AIDS in Africa
Graft, embezzlement, gluttony, and rampant greed
Sodomy of countless altarboys

Not very many organizations have this much blood on their hands. Now that we think about it, RICO charges may be in order. Did I mention altarboys?

Vegetarian Antichrist Among Us

Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, Archbishop of Bologna, stated on the 5th that the Antichrist was walking on this earth, a vegetarian even, spewing philisophical ideas of environmental and human rights. This has the good Cardinal worried, since it's somehow undermining Catholicism, which is an Inquisition- and Indulgence- based branch of Christianity. We should mention that Biffi is one of the leading candidates for the Pope's see, once the current one dies. He should perhaps have his head examined.

Not a vegetarian
-- sorry --
(The Times - UK)

Best Not Be Marrying Kin

County clerks in Kentucky are now required by law to ask if newlyweds are related to each other. First cousins, or closer relations, are not permitted to marry. Apparently this must be some big problem in Kentucky. We are not the least bit surprised.

Tabloid: Crown of Jesus Found

    The esteemed publication Sun is reporting that the Crown of Thorns of Jesus Christ was found near Aleppo, on the bank of the Euphrates river in Babylonia, now Syria. The crown, found in a tomb dating to 1189, is attributed to one Raoul de Marmande, Templar Knight, and an acacia thorn crown in "perfect condition" was resting next to the deceased. What is not explained is how this crown is attributed to Jesus, how some random Templar found it 1150 years after the death of the Savior, or why nobody's heard of this ever before. Huzzah!